Today marks two years since my Dad went to be with the Lord. Nothing can truly prepare you for the range of emotion and loss you feel when losing a parent. It rocks you to your very core. Here is a letter I wrote to my Dad last year. Although time has passed the emotions and questions remain the same.
I can't believe you have been gone for an entire year. In some ways I feel like you were just sitting on the couch laughing with me and the boys. Other days I feel like I haven't seen you in forever. I thought I would write you a letter instead of writing about you. I'm sure your not surprised but I have been dreading this day for a long time. You know how much I hate to cry and I know you wouldn't want me sad but I miss you like crazy. I feel like my heart hurts. I know you would be so mad at me right now. I know that you are so happy and singing with the angels. You always loved praise and worship. You would sing so loud and drive me, mom and min crazy. Do you have a good voice now that your in heaven? You have to right? I wish you could see the boys, Dad. They have grown so much in the past year. It's crazy. Cole is starting to take steps. He is so sweet, Dad. He would melt your heart. Brady is like a little man and is obsessed with football. Remember the last soccer game you were at? He is so good at it and its so exciting to watch him. You would be so proud of him. Mason is well... Mason. He is the cutest kid alive. Mom always says if she gets sad she knows Mason will do something within two seconds to make her laugh. He is so stinkin funny, Dad. We missed you at the boys birthday party this weekend. It was complete chaos as they all are. Mom helped me a ton. I remember the last party you were at with the boys and I will never forget you sitting at one of the round tables and in the middle of me running around like a crazy person you stopped me and told me what a great mom I was to the boys. I don't know if I ever told you how much that meant to me.
I know you don't care but I still can't bring myself to go back to your grave site. I just know your not there. It makes me sad because I feel like I am forgetting what your voice sounds like. I want to call you on the phone so bad and just hear you for a second. The beauty of this whole thing Dad is that while the tears seem unending you are standing before Jesus himself. Is He as amazing as we thought? I am sure he is. What it is like up there? Tonight I was laying in bed with Brady and we were talking about the weekend and his birthday. I asked him if his birthday was everything he had hoped for and he said, "Mom, lets just say I love you higher than heaven." I know I have read about it but I can't imagine what it must be like. How amazing it is. Gosh, I wish I could give you one more hug. I remember the last time I saw you before you were in the hospital. It was just you, me and Brady fishing. Do you remember looking at me and saying how it made you think of when I was a little girl? I was so excited to be fishing with you again. We had so much fun that day. Dad do you think the sadness will ever stop? The funny thing is I know I should be happy and truly I am so thankful that you are walking on streets of gold but I just miss you and can't wait for the day that I see Jesus and then you!! I miss you and love you more than you could ever know.